Draw the Line.

I have had two days off between the end of my TAASC paddling trip and pre-course planning for an Outward Bound course.  As a result, I've been taking a "I do what I want" approach to the weekend.  The only thing that I missed and wished I had not was dinner with some inspiring women on Friday night.

Yesterday was filled with reading, emailing, running, practicing yoga.  In the middle of that practice, someone knocked on the door and Tucker barked. I held the big brown dog as I answered.

I was slightly dazed when this guy in his early 20s introduced himself as Justin and said, "I'm here to have you vote for me. Just kidding. I'm part of a public speaking program and need to practice with 50 people. How am I doing so far? No stuttering or spitting?"

Although Tucker had the platypus squeak toy in his mouth,  I was glad to have him with me.  I thought about my friend who joined a group to calm his stuttering and thought that this Justin-- in his white sneakers and red striped shirt-- might be part of a similar group.  As a result, I said, "You are speaking clearly."

He went on, however, to sound like a salesman (even though at this point he didn't ask me to buy anything) when he said, "Have you ever done public speaking or want to be part of a public speaking group?" 

"Uh, no."

He: "Really?!"

At this point I didn't want to make conversation.  Because I have to make conversation with my students about topics such as paintball and Harry Potter on a regular basis, I wanted to be in a quiet place without chatter on my day off.  

So I stuttered:

I: "I'm sort of in the middle of something."

He: "This will just take a minute."

I: "I'm actually busy right now."

He: "Can I come back at a better time?"

I: "No. Good luck."

I closed the door and then spent the next 15 minutes of my yoga practice considering if that was mean... not helping out the poor guy.  However, when I met the woman who is renting my room, she said that he came by and said something about needing to sell a certain amount of magazines to win a trip to Australia.  

She assured me that it was in no way inappropriate to say no thanks to even listening to his speech.  

Later that night a few of us went out; somebody who is new to town and working at the college near my office started talking to me and said, "I can't hear so well. Can we step outside?" I said yes even though I wanted to dance to the 80s music and chat with my friends.  For the next 30 minutes I heard his whole resume and he asked me questions about my job and interests. I was not interested in getting to know him, but I didn't want to be rude.  Finally I said that I wanted to check in with my friend and needed to go home. I did not offer my number and simply said that I would be out of town for months at a time throughout the summer.

My friend asked how the conversation went, adding that I seemed engaged.  I told her that I did not even want to talk with this guy-- that he seemed nice enough but it was a drag on my night.  She said, "Next time just say, 'Actually, I want to spend time with my friends in here.'"

Ah, great catch phrase. That, along with "I don't give out my phone number" or simply saying "No" without feeling guilty or as if I need to justify it are phrases that I am practicing as I assert boundaries.  Just as DARE offered phrases to teenagers to not smoke the weed or drink the hootch, I, in my late 20s need catch phrases to tell folks to back off.  Is this normal?  

Maybe I do need a public speaking meditation class to help my stuttering problem.  Maybe-- along with catch phrases-- that class will offer mantras such as: "Being clear and assertive is not being bitchy."  Om.

blade of grass.

I will be in the field for about a week. While I'm away, read this lengthy post, and (as we say in Jersey), "Tawk amongst yourselves." Then tawk to me via comments and emails please.


Today I heard this: "Sometimes we take life for granted instead of life as granted."

It was during a talk about paying attention, which is something I seem to think about often. Roomie and I have split in our monthly themes: she has moved on to "craftsmanship" for the month of July while I'm staying on "open to risk."

I know that I can (and do) incorporate themes from prior months into my life while moving onto a new topic; however, for July at least, I feel that I need to experiment with being open to risk. In order to be comfortable with being open to risk, one must pay attention.

In business, investors are more likely to take a risk if they have sufficient information about the venture. The FDA would never approve a drug without paying attention to the drug trials. The government would never get into a war without paying attention to correct intelligence information... oh wait. (Sorry New Englander, that's for the Asheville crowd... it's old and cliché news.)

As a TAASC or Outward Bound instructor, I need to pay attention to weather, the environment, the individual needs (or issues) of my students, and group dynamics in order to manage risk and offer challenging situations. If I didn't do that, we'd either be in a dangerous situation (such as paddling in whitewater that is way above the students' skill level during a lightning storm while one student is dehydrated, one is homesick, three are arguing...) OR we'd sit at camp (in our tents to avoid West Nile) for fear of taking any risk. The students would learn nothing about themselves or challenging situations. Pay attention and manage the risk.

I get that.

Where it gets tricky is being open to risk in relationships or career choices or other "major life" plans... things that might change my Facebook profile. Do I really pay attention in those situations? And if I do pay attention, do I make excuses or move onto the next task (after lengthy debriefs with folks like Lyssie, Sweet Sarah, Roomie, Sass, or Doc) instead of "doing small experiments" as Doc suggests? Pay attention and be open to action... open to risk.

Christine Kane had a great post about how being grateful and present attracts abundance into life. While gratitude and noticing small, sacred details in life may not seem to fit with being open to risk, I think that it does for a few reasons which Christine Kane articulates well in her post.

Because it is late and because I am getting up early, this next part will be a hodgepodge-- a bit about the link between paying attention, having gratitude, and being open to risk
and a few recent observations:

1. By being grateful, I am able to see joy as well as challenges in learning from my risks. I don't mean to sound like pollyanna, but if I only see risk as "risky" instead of as "adventurous" (with both vistas and wrong turns being okay) then I'm more likely to stay home and read jezebel than to take a bike tour on the Parkway. More on Parkway bike tours below.

2. Paying attention to possibilities also leads to confidence, which leads to action. More on this about my love for running and climbing some other time.

3. Seeing beauty and humor is more fun than being a Debbie Downer all the time. I know that I have many privileges (clean water, food, education, shelter) so this is a difficult point to make. A future post about risks that I choose will touch on this.

4. Recent pauses to pay attention:
a. Within the past month, two birthday celebrations have caught my attention. During one, friends and family paused to tell stories, read poems, and honor someone who is usually that mirror for others. In another, someone chose to take a risk and ride her bicycle on a long stretch of the parkway as a ritual for a milestone birthday. A small gathering today honored her friendship and thoughtfulness.

b. Tonight I lost a dart game to a nine year old and a six (I think?) year old. As they rummaged in my car to find something that they could take for winning, I noticed how the temperature was perfect and how I enjoyed spending time with their funny little family. (In the end, they claimed my CPR book and a box of tea tree toothpicks when I wouldn't give them my camera or my box of tampons.)

c. Then, on the way home I noticed how the sky had a thick and low strip of pink hovering over the horizon.

d. I notice how I feel when I read Gary Snyder, Annie Dillard, or Mary Oliver

e. There's a little friend of mine named Lucy who I see every few months at social gatherings. Whenever I see her, she says, "HI KD!" with a surprised happiness that makes me gleeful. It's like the human reaction of what Connor (my friends' border collie) does when I see him.

f. The sometimes calm sometimes scary sometimes vast sometimes vivid sometimes foggy sometimes rough sometimes lamb's ear sometimes dappled sometimes misty sometimes dripping sometimes crisp nature of being outside.

5. So what? What does the giggle of my nieces and nephew or seeing a sunset have to do with deciding about an MBA or DATE or LIFE? (Did anyone think that was funny?)

I'm not quite sure, actually. For now I'll turn to Mary Oliver with an excerpt from "The Summer Day," (from New and Selected Poems):

"i don't know exactly what a prayer is
i do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what i have been doing all day.
tell me, what else should i have done?
doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"


.....
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I spy

I just discovered the new "blog feed" feature (look to the right) that automatically updates when my favorite bloggers update.

The only downside is that it takes away the procrastination tool of constantly checking each site to see if there are new posts.